Go Show Love

How many agonizing minutes is that? My brain cannot do that math.... Life is weird....I miss Brendan so very much....but I miss the way life used to be even more. Losing a child makes to many things complicated. Today, I mourn the life I used to have....that includes you Brendan Austin....you were suffering so much....more than we knew.  But I miss my old life.....

Brens date of death is the 14th of February....tomorrow. 1 year.... But the 13th has always been hard for me.  Very hard. I know this is his actual date of death. I know he drank to much, went down a rabbit trail he shouldn't have. Killed himself in his truck....just a mere 50 feet from asking for help.... Lucky number 13? Unlucky....?? I do know that Jesus met him where he was at....welcomed him home...

Through the turns that life unexpectantly takes you on, people come and go. There are people that come running through life's storms, help out, but come and go.... Not quite a month before Brendan passed away, we met his current girlfriend. We liked her right off the bat. Getting to know Vanessa over this last year has been an unexpected Blessing....She is very thoughtful, takes ALL OF US as we are. Enjoys our Chaos now.....she has come around. We mention something and she pitches in, surprises us with something that we have longed for.....We have done some fun things over the past year with Vanessa coming along. Green Beer for St Pats Day, Bingo nights, sunflower shirts, birthdays, bean bags, The If onlys set it.....For now, I am thankful to have her in our life!

This week has been tough...everyone is either crabby or sad....This is really a tough road to walk. I want to just be instead of being a mom....but the kids keep finding me! I want to find out what Bren was really thinking about Feb. 13th at 11pm.... I want to go back and do things differently that night. I want to hug all my kids and take away their pain. .....and so much more.... But all I can do is survive. Show Love. Be Love. Be Intentional....amidst the pain and the hurt..... One step in front of the other.....slowly but surely we will keep on keeping on....until we meet again Bren.....

The days are so long, yet this year has gone pretty fast. We are in the dead of winter, having survived the Polar Vortex. What is a Polar Vortex? Well, it is extreme cold. Cold that no one should be forced to live through. But we did. Our temps got into the negative 30, with windchill around negative 60....and to top it off, one of our power lines broke in the middle of the freezing cold temps. The main power line that comes into our house, underground. Now we are stuck with major power lines across our driveway that we have to keep kiddos away from. So, with kids home from school. Freezing cold temps. Yuck! Being without power for nearly 24 hours didn't even compare to my worst day ever. We are just over a week out from a year of finding Brendan in the arms of Jesus. A year ago, things were great. A year ago, we were living....Bren was trying to survive. A year ago, we had just adopted our three youngest children. A year ago, we were wishing to go on vacation. A ye