Go Show Love

Today was our youngest biological daughters birthday. She turned 19. Her and I went out for lunch. She was having fun looking at all of her FB comments while we were eating. For some reason it was hard to celebrate. I put on a big smiley face, but inside I was crying. You can’t just go through life not celebrating anymore. Because each child deserve to have a special day. I’m still trying to figure out how to navigate through this pain. Well intentioned people say it gets better. But when your own flesh and blood leaves this earth, how can it get better someday? Will I ever smile again without secretly wanting to cry?

I had meant to write more often. But my computer died on me the night I wrote my last post. My goal is to help others facing difficult lives. Tonight, for some reason is a tough night. I’ve spent the last hour trying to get our 3 year old in bed through many tears. Wayne, my husband is gone. Something just took me down tonight. I keep seeing Bren in his truck. I still can’t believe that he was less than 100 feet from us and took his own life. Mostly I don’t beat myself up over it. But was there something I could have done? Was there? Last Sunday the 4 oldest kids and us went through all of his stuff. We all grabbed what we wanted. It is something we shouldn’t even have had to do.  We still need to make final decisions on his truck. Clean it up and sell it?  Scrap it? I still need to realize he is gone. I am still in disbelief. I know he is gone. It is just so hard to believe. I called his phone just to hear his voicemail.  I look at videos of him. Just to hear him l