It has been way to long
The days are so long, yet this year has gone pretty fast.
We are in the dead of winter, having survived the Polar Vortex. What is a Polar Vortex? Well, it is extreme cold. Cold that no one should be forced to live through. But we did. Our temps got into the negative 30, with windchill around negative 60....and to top it off, one of our power lines broke in the middle of the freezing cold temps. The main power line that comes into our house, underground. Now we are stuck with major power lines across our driveway that we have to keep kiddos away from.
So, with kids home from school. Freezing cold temps. Yuck!
Being without power for nearly 24 hours didn't even compare to my worst day ever.
We are just over a week out from a year of finding Brendan in the arms of Jesus. A year ago, things were great.
A year ago, we were living....Bren was trying to survive.
A year ago, we had just adopted our three youngest children.
A year ago, we were wishing to go on vacation.
A year ago.....
Through all of this grief, I have discovered a secret. I had always heard, divorce rates go up for people who have lost a child. I didn't quite understand why. Divorce rates have been beaten by Wayne and I over the years....married young, 5 children, stay at home mom which made finances tight, husband who works EMS, etc....We could survive anything.
But, you both grieve differently....Wayne was dealing with some horrible ambulance calls that had occurred over the last couple of years...and I mean nasty ones. Suicide rates had been going up, so there were those calls. Plus Wayne's nephew had just taken his own life in October. So there was much going on in our family....and if I can be honest, it was difficult. But, it was just a season, and slowly things were getting better.....But losing your own child...finding him...having to call 911....Calling your children and family....the list goes on. Wayne and I both move through grief differently. He tends to always carry it with him, and he carries it loudly....I tend to do ok most of the time, but the 13th has always been hard for me. (more about that another time). I tend to want a moment by myself to cry it out, or compose myself.
As you can see, these two responses don't mix. Neither are right or wrong, but it has not been an easy year. When you don't deal with the crud from your past, it carries over and gets bigger. Plus getting stuck in the stages of grief for way to long. You hear the stories of people saying, "just let me grieve how I want and for how long I want". But I think we can get stuck sometimes. The pain won't go away, the sting subsides a bit. But, getting stuck is unhealthy.
Life is full of pain and heart ache...but it is also full of some really great things....kids, grandkids, family, friends...GOD.
I did not know it would hurt so much to lose a child, when you knew they were in heaven...we should be happy for them. For now, we are still walking grief in different directions. I don't know if or when we will meet up again....but we will hold on by a thread until we do.....
We are in the dead of winter, having survived the Polar Vortex. What is a Polar Vortex? Well, it is extreme cold. Cold that no one should be forced to live through. But we did. Our temps got into the negative 30, with windchill around negative 60....and to top it off, one of our power lines broke in the middle of the freezing cold temps. The main power line that comes into our house, underground. Now we are stuck with major power lines across our driveway that we have to keep kiddos away from.
So, with kids home from school. Freezing cold temps. Yuck!
Being without power for nearly 24 hours didn't even compare to my worst day ever.
We are just over a week out from a year of finding Brendan in the arms of Jesus. A year ago, things were great.
A year ago, we were living....Bren was trying to survive.
A year ago, we had just adopted our three youngest children.
A year ago, we were wishing to go on vacation.
A year ago.....
Through all of this grief, I have discovered a secret. I had always heard, divorce rates go up for people who have lost a child. I didn't quite understand why. Divorce rates have been beaten by Wayne and I over the years....married young, 5 children, stay at home mom which made finances tight, husband who works EMS, etc....We could survive anything.
But, you both grieve differently....Wayne was dealing with some horrible ambulance calls that had occurred over the last couple of years...and I mean nasty ones. Suicide rates had been going up, so there were those calls. Plus Wayne's nephew had just taken his own life in October. So there was much going on in our family....and if I can be honest, it was difficult. But, it was just a season, and slowly things were getting better.....But losing your own child...finding him...having to call 911....Calling your children and family....the list goes on. Wayne and I both move through grief differently. He tends to always carry it with him, and he carries it loudly....I tend to do ok most of the time, but the 13th has always been hard for me. (more about that another time). I tend to want a moment by myself to cry it out, or compose myself.
As you can see, these two responses don't mix. Neither are right or wrong, but it has not been an easy year. When you don't deal with the crud from your past, it carries over and gets bigger. Plus getting stuck in the stages of grief for way to long. You hear the stories of people saying, "just let me grieve how I want and for how long I want". But I think we can get stuck sometimes. The pain won't go away, the sting subsides a bit. But, getting stuck is unhealthy.
Life is full of pain and heart ache...but it is also full of some really great things....kids, grandkids, family, friends...GOD.
I did not know it would hurt so much to lose a child, when you knew they were in heaven...we should be happy for them. For now, we are still walking grief in different directions. I don't know if or when we will meet up again....but we will hold on by a thread until we do.....
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