Go Show Love

This week has been tough...everyone is either crabby or sad....This is really a tough road to walk. I want to just be instead of being a mom....but the kids keep finding me! I want to find out what Bren was really thinking about Feb. 13th at 11pm.... I want to go back and do things differently that night. I want to hug all my kids and take away their pain. .....and so much more.... But all I can do is survive. Show Love. Be Love. Be Intentional....amidst the pain and the hurt..... One step in front of the other.....slowly but surely we will keep on keeping on....until we meet again Bren.....

I had meant to write more often. But my computer died on me the night I wrote my last post. My goal is to help others facing difficult lives. Tonight, for some reason is a tough night. I’ve spent the last hour trying to get our 3 year old in bed through many tears. Wayne, my husband is gone. Something just took me down tonight. I keep seeing Bren in his truck. I still can’t believe that he was less than 100 feet from us and took his own life. Mostly I don’t beat myself up over it. But was there something I could have done? Was there? Last Sunday the 4 oldest kids and us went through all of his stuff. We all grabbed what we wanted. It is something we shouldn’t even have had to do.  We still need to make final decisions on his truck. Clean it up and sell it?  Scrap it? I still need to realize he is gone. I am still in disbelief. I know he is gone. It is just so hard to believe. I called his phone just to hear his voicemail.  I look at videos of him. Just...

One month ago, our world changed forever. We lost one of our children to suicide. The day started just as many other days had started. Brendan didn't get out of bed. Or so I had thought. He actually didn't make it into bed. The night before was just like any other night. He and my husband Wayne had shared a few beers. Sometime between 8:40 pm and midnight, Bren spiraled downward. We don't know what his last thoughts were. We don't know what got him down. He had made plans for Valentines Day with his girlfriend for the next night. He was showing us that he was feeling ok. Bren had been on meds for a little over a year. He had been doing continual Doctor monitoring. Wayne and I had checked in with him often, and had long talks and lots of rescuing. We did what we knew we needed to do. The night before and the morning of, I knew something wasn't right. I knew Bren hadn't gotten up for work, which was very common. At about 6:45 I told Wayne to go out and look ...