2 months. 1 day

I had meant to write more often. But my computer died on me the night I wrote my last post. My goal is to help others facing difficult lives.

Tonight, for some reason is a tough night. I’ve spent the last hour trying to get our 3 year old in bed through many tears. Wayne, my husband is gone. Something just took me down tonight. I keep seeing Bren in his truck. I still can’t believe that he was less than 100 feet from us and took his own life. Mostly I don’t beat myself up over it. But was there something I could have done? Was there?

Last Sunday the 4 oldest kids and us went through all of his stuff. We all grabbed what we wanted. It is something we shouldn’t even have had to do. 

We still need to make final decisions on his truck. Clean it up and sell it?  Scrap it?

I still need to realize he is gone. I am still in disbelief. I know he is gone. It is just so hard to believe. I called his phone just to hear his voicemail. 

I look at videos of him. Just to hear him laugh. 

How do you move on from your child taking his own life. We knew he struggled. And when that struggle is so severe that they can actually pull the trigger....how do you move beyond that pain? How do you help your other children who are struggling too?

I’m not sure I’ll ever find the answers. People just tell me it will get easier. I think you just learn to put on a smile. Because the pain doesn’t stop. I’m one comment. Song. Hug. Phone call. Text. Moment. Away from tears streaming down my cheek....

I’ll leave you with a text I recieved from a newer friend this week.

Dear Jesus. I lift my friend Shannon up to you today. I hear the struggles behind her words, I see the tears waiting to fall from her eyes, I feel her pain as she tries to hold it together. Lord I ask that you would continue to bless this beautiful friend. She is deeply loved by many. 

Please Heavenly Father, just hug her and love on her today, and all the days to come. Thank you Lord 💜

Go. Show. Love.