One Month Ago
One month ago, our world changed forever. We lost one of our children to suicide.
The day started just as many other days had started. Brendan didn't get out of bed. Or so I had thought. He actually didn't make it into bed. The night before was just like any other night. He and my husband Wayne had shared a few beers. Sometime between 8:40 pm and midnight, Bren spiraled downward. We don't know what his last thoughts were. We don't know what got him down. He had made plans for Valentines Day with his girlfriend for the next night. He was showing us that he was feeling ok.
Bren had been on meds for a little over a year. He had been doing continual Doctor monitoring. Wayne and I had checked in with him often, and had long talks and lots of rescuing. We did what we knew we needed to do.
The night before and the morning of, I knew something wasn't right. I knew Bren hadn't gotten up for work, which was very common. At about 6:45 I told Wayne to go out and look for Bren, because I didn't think he had made it to bed the previous night. Wayne took his sweet time, thinking it was nothing big...but I just knew something was wrong. Wayne checked a couple of the out buildings. Meanwhile I woke up the younger 2 for school. I went out about 6:51 and Wayne hadn't found him....I asked if he checked the truck....so I opened the truck door. Bren was in there...he looked like he was sleeping....God protected me from seeing the gun or blood. I just thought maybe he had to much to drink and his meds caused a bad reaction. I went over to wake him and he was freezing cold....My heart hit the ground...It was quite a cold morning...if i remember right, it was around 10 above. I heard that I fell to the sidewalk and then I went into mama mode...I had 2 kiddos getting ready for school, and I had 4 other adult children to call. Plus our mothers...the list goes on. At 7:02 I had the two kids down the driveway for the bus that doesn't come until 7:13....I just remember sitting in the van waiting and crying...and hitting the steering wheel...My oldest son got to our house and I got out and hugged him and beat his back...and cried...then one deputy came...then another....and then an ambulance.....finally the bus.
I got back up to the house....and our family came trickling in. The next few days were a whirlwind of stuff happening. Most not so much important....But there are a few things that stand out.
The people that really do care. We just adopted our three youngest children who had been with us for over 2 years, and we have scaled back on some things for the past 2 years to help them connect and adjust. But the friends we have made over the years just kept pouring in. Bringing food, brining paper goods, gift certificates. Love. The people that came and just cried with us. I am a person who will gladly tag along and cry with you if you are sad...But I usually try to keep it in. I always thought it was odd of me to cry at wakes that I knew the surviving family better than the deceased. But every one felt hurt similar to what we felt....
The stories from some of you...stories that you to are dealing with mental health stuff...or love someone that does...and the loneliness of people.
Our church family. I cannot begin to tell you how amazing our church family has been...Our fire department families....our families....
As we have put pieces together on that night, things that we know for sure Bren did, there are so many missing pieces that we won't ever know on this side. I do know this sudden death of a 25 year old rips a huge gaping whole in your heart. You go out and see people and just pray you hold it together. You only go do what you HAVE to do. Having little kids and grandkids helps a little...it keeps you busy. Someone always needs you....But there is still something missing in our lives.
As I journey through this, I am on a mission to turn a MESS into a MESSage. I am on a mission to spread LOVE and help others know about the LOVE that needs to be spread.
And to share how a similar situation happened to us just four short months before with our nephew....
and 17 years ago with Waynes sister....This cycle needs to stop.
The day started just as many other days had started. Brendan didn't get out of bed. Or so I had thought. He actually didn't make it into bed. The night before was just like any other night. He and my husband Wayne had shared a few beers. Sometime between 8:40 pm and midnight, Bren spiraled downward. We don't know what his last thoughts were. We don't know what got him down. He had made plans for Valentines Day with his girlfriend for the next night. He was showing us that he was feeling ok.
Bren had been on meds for a little over a year. He had been doing continual Doctor monitoring. Wayne and I had checked in with him often, and had long talks and lots of rescuing. We did what we knew we needed to do.
The night before and the morning of, I knew something wasn't right. I knew Bren hadn't gotten up for work, which was very common. At about 6:45 I told Wayne to go out and look for Bren, because I didn't think he had made it to bed the previous night. Wayne took his sweet time, thinking it was nothing big...but I just knew something was wrong. Wayne checked a couple of the out buildings. Meanwhile I woke up the younger 2 for school. I went out about 6:51 and Wayne hadn't found him....I asked if he checked the truck....so I opened the truck door. Bren was in there...he looked like he was sleeping....God protected me from seeing the gun or blood. I just thought maybe he had to much to drink and his meds caused a bad reaction. I went over to wake him and he was freezing cold....My heart hit the ground...It was quite a cold morning...if i remember right, it was around 10 above. I heard that I fell to the sidewalk and then I went into mama mode...I had 2 kiddos getting ready for school, and I had 4 other adult children to call. Plus our mothers...the list goes on. At 7:02 I had the two kids down the driveway for the bus that doesn't come until 7:13....I just remember sitting in the van waiting and crying...and hitting the steering wheel...My oldest son got to our house and I got out and hugged him and beat his back...and cried...then one deputy came...then another....and then an ambulance.....finally the bus.
I got back up to the house....and our family came trickling in. The next few days were a whirlwind of stuff happening. Most not so much important....But there are a few things that stand out.
The people that really do care. We just adopted our three youngest children who had been with us for over 2 years, and we have scaled back on some things for the past 2 years to help them connect and adjust. But the friends we have made over the years just kept pouring in. Bringing food, brining paper goods, gift certificates. Love. The people that came and just cried with us. I am a person who will gladly tag along and cry with you if you are sad...But I usually try to keep it in. I always thought it was odd of me to cry at wakes that I knew the surviving family better than the deceased. But every one felt hurt similar to what we felt....
The stories from some of you...stories that you to are dealing with mental health stuff...or love someone that does...and the loneliness of people.
Our church family. I cannot begin to tell you how amazing our church family has been...Our fire department families....our families....
As we have put pieces together on that night, things that we know for sure Bren did, there are so many missing pieces that we won't ever know on this side. I do know this sudden death of a 25 year old rips a huge gaping whole in your heart. You go out and see people and just pray you hold it together. You only go do what you HAVE to do. Having little kids and grandkids helps a little...it keeps you busy. Someone always needs you....But there is still something missing in our lives.
As I journey through this, I am on a mission to turn a MESS into a MESSage. I am on a mission to spread LOVE and help others know about the LOVE that needs to be spread.
And to share how a similar situation happened to us just four short months before with our nephew....
and 17 years ago with Waynes sister....This cycle needs to stop.
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