Go Show Love

Brens date of death is the 14th of February....tomorrow. 1 year.... But the 13th has always been hard for me.  Very hard. I know this is his actual date of death. I know he drank to much, went down a rabbit trail he shouldn't have. Killed himself in his truck....just a mere 50 feet from asking for help.... Lucky number 13? Unlucky....?? I do know that Jesus met him where he was at....welcomed him home...

Through the turns that life unexpectantly takes you on, people come and go. There are people that come running through life's storms, help out, but come and go.... Not quite a month before Brendan passed away, we met his current girlfriend. We liked her right off the bat. Getting to know Vanessa over this last year has been an unexpected Blessing....She is very thoughtful, takes ALL OF US as we are. Enjoys our Chaos now.....she has come around. We mention something and she pitches in, surprises us with something that we have longed for.....We have done some fun things over the past year with Vanessa coming along. Green Beer for St Pats Day, Bingo nights, sunflower shirts, birthdays, bean bags, The If onlys set it.....For now, I am thankful to have her in our life!

This week has been tough...everyone is either crabby or sad....This is really a tough road to walk. I want to just be instead of being a mom....but the kids keep finding me! I want to find out what Bren was really thinking about Feb. 13th at 11pm.... I want to go back and do things differently that night. I want to hug all my kids and take away their pain. .....and so much more.... But all I can do is survive. Show Love. Be Love. Be Intentional....amidst the pain and the hurt..... One step in front of the other.....slowly but surely we will keep on keeping on....until we meet again Bren.....

The days are so long, yet this year has gone pretty fast. We are in the dead of winter, having survived the Polar Vortex. What is a Polar Vortex? Well, it is extreme cold. Cold that no one should be forced to live through. But we did. Our temps got into the negative 30, with windchill around negative 60....and to top it off, one of our power lines broke in the middle of the freezing cold temps. The main power line that comes into our house, underground. Now we are stuck with major power lines across our driveway that we have to keep kiddos away from. So, with kids home from school. Freezing cold temps. Yuck! Being without power for nearly 24 hours didn't even compare to my worst day ever. We are just over a week out from a year of finding Brendan in the arms of Jesus. A year ago, things were great. A year ago, we were living....Bren was trying to survive. A year ago, we had just adopted our three youngest children. A year ago, we were wishing to go on vacation. A ye

this morning started as any other day. Getting kids up and out the door. It is colder than normal. But a text from someone I care deeply about sent me down. “We have other plans for thanksgiving.” A bunch of us ALWAYS get together for the holidays. This is the first holiday season away from my son. My son who left way to early. At this exact moment 9 months ago I talked to him on his lunch break.  Those were my last words to him. Ever. These last 9 months have been, anger. Fighting. Words that shouldn’t have been said. Sadness. It has left some of my other children with sadness. Depression. Rising anxiety. Satan is trying to steal all joy from us. We are warriors. We are family. We are strong We are weak. Family means the world to me. Holidays are a day to spend with family and kick back. Relax. Enjoy a glass of wine. Hear the kids play. Eat lots. It is meant to be shared. Our table will be one less. Forever. One less. As Bren dances with angels. Laughs often. Praises. I’

i really don’t like the month of August. It seems long for the kids needing to go back to school. Kids are fighting more. This year.....August holds Brens birthday. The day after was mine....plus it has been 6 months.... This year leading up to his birthday sucked. Really sucked. But the day of was pretty ok. On  the backside. My birthday. I didn’t want to celebrate. It seemed pointless. I just wanted to be alone and couldn’t be. I just wanted my son back. Mental health stinks. But it is a nightmare when it ends in suicide. Yesterday marked 6 months. Our family dynamics currently are complicated. There was only one person who remembered and mentioned it to me..... but it is never far from my mind.